You smell like stripper and shame
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
