bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
