So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
