even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
