I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
