I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
