i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
