Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
