Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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