a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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