it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
