the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
