cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
