I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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