This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I want her autograph on my taint
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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