i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize