uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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