Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I intend to get homeless drunk
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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