just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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