i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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