It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
