I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
