Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
