Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
