I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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