my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
