the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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