even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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