The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize