Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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