Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
