I wanna passion pit in your ass
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
