it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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