This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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