I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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