if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
