we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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