She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
