He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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