woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
