Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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