I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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