sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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