I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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