there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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