turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
