You work out of a Hotel?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
