just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
