Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
