omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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