Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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