Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
