I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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