Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
