My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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