you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
