I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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