I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
