wrigley field is MILF paradise
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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