I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
