I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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