She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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