Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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