Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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