I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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