well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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