birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
